Ok, let’s face it. Sometimes kids can be a pain. But what a UNIQUE pain. They can be so very exasperating and at the same time so much fun.

For those of you without kids let me tell you that you are really missing an experience that is unlike any other known to mankind.

The nearest I can describe the experience is this: Imagine that you are on a Metro bus and for whatever reason that last cup of coffee you had just can’t wait to leave your body. I mean it’s going to happen….it really is. If only your stop ----heck…ANY stop would do. But noooooo. Mr. bus driver just knows you’re in agony and you are sure he has some vendetta against your bladder. But wait….up ahead there’s a Super America. You keep telling yourself….”I THINK I CAN…I THINK I CAN.

The bus stops, you jump off, run in, dash past a really, really cute clerk…NO TIME….gotta go…and you head for the little room hoping it isn’t occupied. IT ISN’T!!! AAAAAAAHHHH!!! Bliss. Nothing could possibly feel better than this. Thank you. Thank you.

Time for your sanitary hand wash and you lean against the sink to wash and………SOME IDIOT somehow got water all over the front of the sink………and you find yourself more wet all over in exactly the same place you would have been if you hadn’t made it in here.

How can something so good go so bad so quickly? A complicated scenario. to be sure.

Well, having kids is something like that. They can move you from ecstasy to horror and back again in a nano second.

I recently had the unique experience of acting as one of the adult chaperones on a fifth grade field trip to Ft. Snelling, Minnesota.

I did something that I have never before done in my life. I rode a school bus. I’ll go one better than that. I rode a school bus WITH KIDS ON IT.

I sat with my son and I tried to maintain a calm, superior, adult composure. I know….I will block out all the noise by reading my newspaper.

That’s funny…my newspaper keeps jiggling and won’t let me focus. What’s this? I’m feeling queasy. Me! Ex- Marine- Ex flyboy with over 5000 hours flight time in all kinds of weather without ever once getting queasy. I’M GETTING QUEASY. Why don’t those kids shut up? Don’t they know what’s happening to me?

I must take control of the situation. I will do my deep breathing. IN – OUT – IN-OUT. Ah, now I feel better. I knew I could beat it. I knew…..hey, now wait a minute what’s with the cup of coffee in my tummy. All this jiggling and bouncing has activated Mr. Bladder.

What is wrong with these kids!!!! Why don’t they keep it down. How can they all be talking at once? Who’s listening if everyone's talking?

Mr. bus driver….please!

I know, I’ll stare really hard at the passing traffic and distract myself. There, that’s helping some. Hey look there’s a cute little kid passing us with his mom in a mini van. I wave. “Hi kid.”
What’s that he’s saying…? ”Areeen’t yooou a little oooold for elementary schooooool?”

Hey, get bent kid!!!

Finally….Ft.Snelling! All of my bodily functions collide with each other as we slow down and the bus quits shaking.

I made it.

We broke off into little groups and we start the tour. I head out with my eight little angels for tour stop number one. Interesting!.. On to stop two,a washer lady. Interesting. She addresses me as we head out for the next stop; “I hope you and your little friends enjoyed yourself.” Is that supposed to be an “Oh my, you’re so short” crack?” I’ll walk away and ignore her.

Ok, what’s next? Oh my! A tower. A tower with many, many steps. Do I really want to go all the way up there just to see a flag pole and to wave at people below who will probably think that I’m the first fifth grader they ever saw that really could use a shave. Oh well, here I go. Up the stairs. Made it.

Hey, now what’s this? The kids are all going back down. “Hey gang, I just made it. Let’s look around a bit”. One kid says, “Been there done that………boring!!!!”

“Hey kids, wait for me.”

Back down the stairs. Where’s an oxygen bottle when you need one?

Ok! Lets boogey to the next spot. Wait a minute….1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,,,,,,,,,,
7….7. Only 7 kids. Where’s number 8? “Wait here kids”. I have to find number 8. If I don’t they’ll surely notice. Had 8 going up. Have only 7 coming down. 8 up minus 7 down must mean one is still up. So…back up the stairs. There he is…number 8.

“Hey, Mr. C, look at the cool rope holding up the flag.”

RIGHT!

I escort number 8 back down the stairs to the rest of the kids. The rest of the kids---1, 2, 5, 7, and 8. Where is 3, 4 and 6?

There’s another adult leader, Hey, she’s got 9 kids. “Hey, want to trade my number 5 (she’s a sweety) for your numbers 3 and 6?”

Suddenly I hear from behind me, “Hey, Mr. C…, where you been?” Yep, there they are my 3, 4, and 6. At least I think that’s my number six. Oh well, it’s also a boy. Close enough.

Finally, lunch time.

Every one brought a bag lunch. Except that some bags were considerably bigger than others.

“Hey, number 5…is that your lunch or did you find a saddle bag? You can’t possibly eat all that!”

Whoosh! It’s gone. I can’t believe it. Where did it all go? She’s only four foot 7 inches. Where did she put it?

Lunch is over. It’s free to roam with your chaperone time.

“Ok, kids where do we go? What’s that number 5? You want to go to the snack machines. My gosh, you just downed half the national product of a small nation and now you want to go to the snack bar???”

Another 45 minutes and then we can go back to the…….OH NO……the bus. Back to school ….during rush hour! Sweet Saint of Cinnamon. PLEASE…HELP ME !!!

Back on the bus. The ups and downs were less violent on the way back but because of rush hour there were twice as many. So let me understand this; the bumps and rattles were half as bad as the trip out but the trip back was twice as long. Let’s see----150 BUMPS back versus 300 BUMPS out times TWICE as long a time interval back:
FORMULA: 300 SHOCK POINTS DIVIDED BY ½ BUT MULTIPLIED X 2 =….??????

Help ………..MEDIC !!!!

Well, it was an experience. Some things you only experience once in your lifetime.

What would I say if they asked me to go again next week? I’d say, “LETS DO IT.”

I know, you might think I’m crazy. But you know what? Like I said at the beginning, “I LOVE KIDS.”

Nothing can make you feel the way a bunch of fifth graders who just had fun with you can make you feel.

“Ok, gang ...that was fun. Now let’s talk junior prom.”

Thought For The Week:
“If it’s true that we all have to live with ourselves then I guess my only desire would be that I would be in good company.”

Copyright © 2004 A New Visions Enterprises/Speaking Out Publications. All rights reserved. This article may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the prior written authority of New Visions Enterprises/Speaking Out Publications